When my father lay dying, my dear friends sustained me. They listened to my troubles, cooked meals for me, schlepped my kids and even cleaned my house. Their greatest gift, however, was their continual prayers. During the fall of 1994 was the first time I experienced, what I now call, Amazing Grace. Perhaps I had felt Grace before, but in 1994 I had a name for it. It was something identifiable. Moreover, I knew from which direction it came--the prayers of my friends and loved ones. During those last days of my Dad's life, I experienced the single most important epiphany of my life. It was the first time I ever felt the prayers of others. There were times I actually felt the chill of the Holy Sprit pass through me. It was the first time I ever truly surrendered to the will of God, which wasn't easy.Being touched by Grace is amazing in and of itself. It can happen quite unexpectedly--holding a newborn baby or singing with 500 kids--you never know when you will feel that rush. In those days leading up to my father's death, it was as if a miraculous plan unfolded before me. People appeared out of nowhere....notes arrived sending greetings and love which helped me to realize that I was not alone in this journey. Grace filled me with the strength I needed to listen to my father, his stories, his deathbed 'confessions' and regrets. Before Grace, I couldn't listen to him talk about the hard stuff, like, "When I die...” which was stupid because he WAS dying. Both of us knew he never would survive his sentence of Colon Cancer. The illness took his larger than life personality and he no longer told the stories which made me double over with belly laughter. It was as if his jovial spirit was reduced to last minute instructions and leaving nothing unsaid. What remained was a fragment of the giant man who protected me--the man who never met a stranger--who had just entered into retirement and had projects to complete and wine to make. He went from healthy to sick to terminal too quickly.
The Grace I received the night he left my world was tender and intimate. As I stood beside himt holding his hand and singing to him, he passed to the other side where our celestial family greeted him. It was as though I could see the reunion of Dad with his parents, siblings and my brother Gary. I could see how his face relaxed when he was greeted into their waiting arms. The privilege of holding his hand while he slowly stopped breathing was a pivotal point for me. I learned on that night that dying isn't the end for anyone who is loved. The years of grief taught me that people imprint your sole and although I believe there is a heaven, I also accepted that night that part of our "eternal" life is that which is kept alive by the love one we leave behind.
I was pregnant with Maddie Marie the night we kept the vigil by Dad's bedside. When his spirit left his body, the life within me stirred. Although, I was only weeks into my pregnancy and physic logically it was impossible to feel her stir, I did. Grace helped me to still myself and recognize what was happening. The child who stirred in my womb is now 15 and she tells wonderful stories about the Papa Clem who died before she was born. She is, yet another, shining beacon displaying the eternal life of my Dad.
Today, my dear friend is keeping that same vigil with her father. My heart is heavy tonight, because I feel her pain. Whenever one of my friends looses a parent, it brings all of these memories flooding back to me. I think not just of my father, but my mother, and my sweet mother-in-law. What weights heavy on my heart tonight is knowing firsthand the sadness my friend feels. I feel the same helplessness she experienced when she tried to comfort me when my parents died. There really is nothing you can say to someone who is at the bedside of a dying parent. At times like these, words are meaningless and trite. I've said it once, and I'll say it again: You will never get over the death of your parents. Yes, you will heal, accept and go forward; but your heart will be broken at the time you become an adult orphan. Hearts heal. Scars remain forever.
I'm sad to report, my dear friend called me last night to tell me of her Dad's passing. It was funny, because I had just said a short prayer for his comfort and for strength for his family. Callin' all angels......asking for Amazing Grace. My prayer tonight is Simple: "Thy kingdom come, thy WILL be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Help us dear Lord to listen and be present in all that we do, but most of all, Lord, bless us with your grace as we accept the things we cannot change. Amen."
