Christmas 2009

I love Christmas. I especially love it when it is July and I'm sweltering in the heat and TV networks are showing Christmas specials as the subtle reminder that we only have 143 shopping days left. Nothing's better than that warm, fuzzy Christmas feeling in the middle of summer. I usually vow, right then and there, before the July 4th fireworks are lit, that this year Christmas will be different. I always make myself a promise that the coming holiday will not catch me off guard and I will be prepared, shopping done and gifts wrapped by the first Sunday of Advent.

I make myself that promise every year, and each year, September comes and we toast our anniversary on the 23rd. How quickly October 9th arrives and we celebrate Dave's birthday toasting with the good scotch in the crystal tumblers. Before we know it, Halloween arrives and we watch the leaves change, take in the harvest moon and, 6 days after Halloween it's Katie's birthday. Fifteen days after Kate's birthday, it is once again time to blow out candles, but this time on Brent's birthday cake. A week after Brent's birthday, Thanksgiving arrives and immediately thereafter, a blink really, it's December 10 we are singing, in harmony, "Happy Birthday dear Vanessa". When that first candle is lit on the Advent wreath, I'm usually stressed and am astonished that I'm left, once again, unprepared.

I distinctly remember walking into Peet's Coffee one morning for my latte, three equals and extra foam. Not that I need the menu, I have a habit of looking at it so I don't have to make eye contact with everyone before my coffee. Attempting to blink through my pre-coffee haze, I saw that, overnight, on the Sunday after Thanksgiving; they had decorated the store in green and red and changed the menu to accommodate the holiday drink favorites. On further inspection, I saw the wreaths full of mock gift cards and heard the barista call out "Egg Nog Latte for Michael". Believe me when I say I shuddered in my Crocks when I realized it was the first Monday after Thanksgiving. Nessy's birthday was nearly here and I didn't have her birthday gift and somewhere along the way, Christmas had arrived! I felt like I'd received my first dose of "Christmas in your face", compliments of your friendly, neighborhood Peet's coffee shop.

I came home and booted up my Facebook page and whined about the overnight transformation of my coffee hotspot to Holiday Headquarters. I was feeling more than pushed and I don't really know why. The Christmas ads on TV had started way before Halloween this year. So why was I pissed about Peet's transformation? Perhaps it was because when I visited there on Sunday, the day before, there was no hint of Christmas and on Monday morning, Viola! Maybe it was because I was tired and needed my caffeine fix. I'm not really sure. But, one of my Facebook family (actually my Cousin Sandy, from Texas) responded to my Grinch state of mind and said, essentially, "Why would you not want the best time of year to happen? You should look forward to the time when you celebrate with your family and friends." In other words, she said, don’t worry, be happy! It was a good wake-up (almost better than the latte), because when I looked at my posting later, I realized she was right. Instead of dreading what was before me, I needed to embrace it. I didn't realize then, that less than 6 days later my beloved Mother-in-law, Anna would die in my arms. Although she had been ill, at that point in time, I thought she'd make it until Christmas. It's funny how Divine Grace works, sometimes it's that seed that someone plants in your heart which grows and blossoms into something life changing and beautiful.

Although we said good-bye to Ann, and we were all sad to see our family matriarch join the ranks of Heaven's best, it was a beautiful death. (Sounds like an oxy moron, but there isn't another way to describe it.) With the help of Hospice we were able to keep her comfortable and the first snowfall which began as she left this world was the perfect metaphor for our beloved Grandma's transformation from being frail, sick and tired to what, I believe, was heaven's gates opening to receive her. "I's" dotted and "T's" crossed. I believe that as humans we sometimes need a slap in the face to remind us not to sweat the small stuff....and the preparations for Christmas, especially when facing the death of a loved one, is just that--small stuff. It should be a time of praise and remembrance of the birth of our savior, Jesus Christ. Moreover, it is about being with the ones you love--being present, not giving them. The stockings, tree, cards, baked goods, garlands, and egg nog lattes are just like the sprinkles on top of your Fro Yo (frozen yogurt). Garnish. Nothing more.

Once Grandma was buried and blessed, I began my preparations for Christmas, not with the usual whine and whimper, but with open arms. I simplified when I could, delegate as much as humanly possible, listened to Christmas music and realized how lucky I was. Yes, I had lost someone who was very dear to me, but she left an imprint on my heart which will forever remain. Instead of fighting the preparations, I embraced them. We went ice skating with Snoopy, watched the tree lighting and sang "O, Come all Yee Faithful". We drove around and looked the Christmas lights and decorations, savored the sweet lemons from our tree and lit the Christmas candles soaking up their warm glow. There was still work ahead for me to ensure that everyone's Christmas was perfect. After all, I AM the family matriarch now and Christmas is MY responsibility. I did, however, remind myself that there really is no present as perfect as the time we spend together as a family. The Kodak moments of my life which will flash before me at the very end will be not about tensile and lights, they will be snapshots of the laughter shared, the stories kept alive by tradition and love and about giving to others. When you "pay it forward" grace and goodness are like a boom-a-rang.

My favorite part of Christmas will always be Christmas Eve. It is after we've feasted on freshly cooked Dungeness Crab a tradition started by my parents 35 years ago. It is long after the last bite of Jamie's shrimp Louie is bagged up for later consumption. There is this special moment when the 15 year old scotch is drunk, the Korbel is uncorked, dishes are done, Karen Carpenter has sung "Merry Christmas, Darling" and the table is set for the morning. I love to breathe in a sigh and a prayer that stockings are stuffed, the house is tidy waiting for the Christmas morning chos of presents, egg nog and cinnamon rolls. After we've laid baby Jesus in his crèche and before Ralphie has received his Red Rider BB Gun is when my personal moment begins. The magical part of Christmas for me is that time; when the wrapping is done, the anticipation is high and I am the last one awake in my cozy little house. I always stop for a moment and look back over my shoulder in awe and wonder on Christmas which has unfolded, regardless of the circumstances. Despite the economy, job situations or even the death of a loved one, Christmas always blooms like a red Amaryllis. During this brief moment, before I retire for my long winter's nap, when I see the lit tree, extinguished candles and piles of presents, I always stop and take in that last quiet moment. Perfection! It is the warmest and fuzziest I will be all year. I'm always amazed at the beauty of that one brief moment....before I turn to walk down the hall greeted by the gentle sounds of Dave's snoring. The beauty of that tree, lighted garlands and decorations which will glow all night in anticipation of the day to come is perhaps the most breath taking sight of the year. That snapshot will be the one which imprints my soul. It is with a full heart that I savor the quiet stillness when all are accounted for and all is merry and bright.