I have been asked, “What is the secret to a long, successful marriage?” Being friends? Absolutely. Love and forgiveness? There’s a whole lot of that. There are many obvious reasons why marriages are successful or why they fail. I truly believe that besides the obvious stuff, it is essential to have a good mother-in-law. I was blessed with such a woman. From the very first time we met, there was an instant and easy rapport between us. She was gracious, kind and never offered advice unless called upon. Our relationship spanned over the past 35 years. I watched her revel in births of her grandchildren. She loved each and every one of them, baked cookies and colored with them, took them shopping on payday and sped over to our house when Katie called in a panic because she was home “alone” with Vanessa and Matt and I was 5 minutes late arriving home from grocery shopping. She was always the first one to arrive when a baby was sick or when I was flat on my back after surgery. When I had three children under the age of 7 and Vanessa came down with chicken pox, 14 days later I was covered in blisters only to discover I never had the virus as a child. We went down like dominos (except for Dave who had the good sense to have them as a boy). She was there every day to nurse us back to health, never complaining, helping Vanessa who was better by the time the rest of us were sick, doing laundry and sometimes just sitting with me to try to cheer me up.
Grandma loved movies and could name most all of the actors in old Hollywood. In her younger years, she always had the skinny on whoever was on the front of the National Enquirer. She read many biographies of the actors of her generation and whenever I’d forget who stared beside Jerry Lewis in “Cinderfella” or Bob Hope in “The Road to Hong Kong” she not only knew the actor, but to whom he/she was married and how many kids they had, etc. She was awesome at movie trivia.
I watched her struggle with her own aging mother who was eventually admitted to a rest home. When her dementia set in, it was the ONLY time Ann ever shared with me her difficulty visiting her Mom who couldn’t speak and was a mere shell of the woman who lovingly raised her and was her best friend. Someone who didn’t love Ann as much as I did might have confused her admission as complaining. Nothing was farther from the truth. It was just so sad to watch the slow decline of her beloved mother. But she went several times each week, did her laundry, fed her, loved her and showered her with gifts.
When our kids went to Grandma and Dale’s house it was as if someone would open the screen door and say “let the games begin”. Usually shenanigans, was instigated by Dale and after someone was crying (usually Katie) Grandma would turn, hand on hip and say, “Oh Dale!”. Her house was always full of laughter and treats with a sprinkle of teasing and fun. Once the kids arrived, the candy dish was attacked as if piranhas had been set loose. Grandma introduced our kids to the “old school” Abbott and Costello and soon it was a Halloween favorite. The kids always had their own toys at her house as well as a change of clothes. They were always comfortable at Grandma’s house, it was a happy place.
Until she moved to Cobb, she never missed a dance recital or a choral performance or a play. She always came to see at least one sports game during the year and I know I wasn’t the only one who could see how proud she was of her grandkids.
When my own parents became ill, first my Dad, then my Mom, she was there to help with the kids and encouraging words for me. I knew she understood my sadness because she, too, had nursed her own mother to whom she was so very close. She knew the sadness of being a perfectly grown adult, with children, a home, and responsibility and yet experience the intense sadness which comes from loosing a parent. I believe a loss of that kind puts a hole in your heart and although it heals, it does so around the hole which remains forever.
This year, I became a mother-in-law when our daughter, Vanessa married Frank. Katie and Brent will be married on June 19, 2010 and I don’t feel the documentation necessary to refer to Brent as my son-in-law. He’s been here for the long haul and earned his stripes doing Sunday dishes and getting the stuff down from the top shelf. It’s important that you men know that I’ve observed the dynamic which can sometimes be present in the mothers-in-law relationship over the, now many, years of my life. I’ve seen the good, the bad and the ugly and listened to stories from friends about preverbal monster-in-laws. I promise you that I’ve learned how to behave from the best! She taught me that love and acceptance is paramount and that forgiveness is essential and that as soon as your child marries someone, that person becomes your child too. I promise you, that I will do everything in my power to be like Ann. Of course you’ve both been in the family long enough to know that I may have my moments and for these moments I apologize in advance. But when this happens (notice I didn’t say “if”) just bear with me.
The late Jacquie Kennedy once said that if you fail at being a parent, you will have failed at the most important job in the world. Because the only thing which you leave behind are your children. They are all that count. Vanessa, Katharine, Matthew and Madelyn I want you to know how very proud your Grandma was of you all. She loved being with you more than anything. She especially loved watching you grow into not just young adults, but good, solid people, with old school work ethics, exceptional values and the capacity for great love. Your father and I are so very proud of you all and how you pulled together to support Grandma during these past difficult weeks. When I arrived home on Sunday the house was decorated for Christmas. But. you didn’t stop there. You all helped plan the luncheon for today, ran errands, scrubbed toilets, folded laundry and helped to sort and scan pictures. Together, we were like a well oiled machine and completed the tasks at hand.
I may not tell you often enough, but let me remind you that you are the best part of me and your father... When we die there is nothing we take with us, except for the love of the people we’ve left behind. I’m certain of your love for Grandma and she was too. She will live on in you….her memories, stories, history and her grace.
Grace is defined, in the biblical sense as unmerited favors. Perhaps the secular definition would be karma meets paying it forward, until somehow you are touched by this wonderful moment whereby the heavens open and something so special happens, somewhat randomly, and you feel as if fairy dust has been sprinkled and is cascading down around you. As sad as it is, I feel that Grandma’s death was enveloped in Divine Grace. Her quick demise, although hard to accept, allowed her suffering to end. The immediate intervention of The Hospice Team, the amazing nurse Ro who helped us though those final hours, Dolly the cat who never left Grandma’s side the night and morning of her passing. The first snow flurries of 2009 which began to fall just as Grandma died and the continued flurries which melted as soon as they hit the windshield as she made her final trip down Mt. St. Helena and if that wasn’t enough, snow on Sonoma Mountain on Monday morning. For anyone who didn’t know, snow was Grandma’s favorite thing! I know skeptics would say these are all just coincidences. I don’t believe in coincidences. I believe in Divine Grace. I believe in miracles. I believe we are the instruments of grace. It took me half of my life before I recognized this, but I promise if you quiet yourself, listen and pay attention, you will see it too.
The changing season this Fall was exceptional; Indian summer, early rain, exquisite foliage, harvest moons and lots of green grass. Perhaps the beauty seemed more intense given that we were faced with saying good bye to our family matriarch. As we gather around our family table, the places will change, the young become old, the elders take their places among the celestial family looking down with pride on their legacy they've left behind. Our hearts are full with memories and love and the promise of a new family member next summer, Anna's first great-grandchild. And so, the circle of life remains unbroken.
Our family is a circle of love and strength.
With every birth and union the circle grows stronger.
Every joy shared adds more love
Every obstacle faced together makes the circle stronger
In closing, I would like to say what a privilege it has been to have had Anna Heizer as a mother-in-law, a friend, and a grandmother to my children. She taught me, through example, that sometimes less is more; that kids will be kids; that sitting down on a summer day to drink sweet tea and look at the JCPenneys catalog is actually better than a trip to the mall. She showed me how to quiet myself and breathe in the beauty of nature, to feed the critters and most importantly, she showed me the kind of mother-in-law and grandmother I want to be.
Grandma loved movies and could name most all of the actors in old Hollywood. In her younger years, she always had the skinny on whoever was on the front of the National Enquirer. She read many biographies of the actors of her generation and whenever I’d forget who stared beside Jerry Lewis in “Cinderfella” or Bob Hope in “The Road to Hong Kong” she not only knew the actor, but to whom he/she was married and how many kids they had, etc. She was awesome at movie trivia.
I watched her struggle with her own aging mother who was eventually admitted to a rest home. When her dementia set in, it was the ONLY time Ann ever shared with me her difficulty visiting her Mom who couldn’t speak and was a mere shell of the woman who lovingly raised her and was her best friend. Someone who didn’t love Ann as much as I did might have confused her admission as complaining. Nothing was farther from the truth. It was just so sad to watch the slow decline of her beloved mother. But she went several times each week, did her laundry, fed her, loved her and showered her with gifts.
When our kids went to Grandma and Dale’s house it was as if someone would open the screen door and say “let the games begin”. Usually shenanigans, was instigated by Dale and after someone was crying (usually Katie) Grandma would turn, hand on hip and say, “Oh Dale!”. Her house was always full of laughter and treats with a sprinkle of teasing and fun. Once the kids arrived, the candy dish was attacked as if piranhas had been set loose. Grandma introduced our kids to the “old school” Abbott and Costello and soon it was a Halloween favorite. The kids always had their own toys at her house as well as a change of clothes. They were always comfortable at Grandma’s house, it was a happy place.
Until she moved to Cobb, she never missed a dance recital or a choral performance or a play. She always came to see at least one sports game during the year and I know I wasn’t the only one who could see how proud she was of her grandkids.
When my own parents became ill, first my Dad, then my Mom, she was there to help with the kids and encouraging words for me. I knew she understood my sadness because she, too, had nursed her own mother to whom she was so very close. She knew the sadness of being a perfectly grown adult, with children, a home, and responsibility and yet experience the intense sadness which comes from loosing a parent. I believe a loss of that kind puts a hole in your heart and although it heals, it does so around the hole which remains forever.
This year, I became a mother-in-law when our daughter, Vanessa married Frank. Katie and Brent will be married on June 19, 2010 and I don’t feel the documentation necessary to refer to Brent as my son-in-law. He’s been here for the long haul and earned his stripes doing Sunday dishes and getting the stuff down from the top shelf. It’s important that you men know that I’ve observed the dynamic which can sometimes be present in the mothers-in-law relationship over the, now many, years of my life. I’ve seen the good, the bad and the ugly and listened to stories from friends about preverbal monster-in-laws. I promise you that I’ve learned how to behave from the best! She taught me that love and acceptance is paramount and that forgiveness is essential and that as soon as your child marries someone, that person becomes your child too. I promise you, that I will do everything in my power to be like Ann. Of course you’ve both been in the family long enough to know that I may have my moments and for these moments I apologize in advance. But when this happens (notice I didn’t say “if”) just bear with me.
The late Jacquie Kennedy once said that if you fail at being a parent, you will have failed at the most important job in the world. Because the only thing which you leave behind are your children. They are all that count. Vanessa, Katharine, Matthew and Madelyn I want you to know how very proud your Grandma was of you all. She loved being with you more than anything. She especially loved watching you grow into not just young adults, but good, solid people, with old school work ethics, exceptional values and the capacity for great love. Your father and I are so very proud of you all and how you pulled together to support Grandma during these past difficult weeks. When I arrived home on Sunday the house was decorated for Christmas. But. you didn’t stop there. You all helped plan the luncheon for today, ran errands, scrubbed toilets, folded laundry and helped to sort and scan pictures. Together, we were like a well oiled machine and completed the tasks at hand.
I may not tell you often enough, but let me remind you that you are the best part of me and your father... When we die there is nothing we take with us, except for the love of the people we’ve left behind. I’m certain of your love for Grandma and she was too. She will live on in you….her memories, stories, history and her grace.
Grace is defined, in the biblical sense as unmerited favors. Perhaps the secular definition would be karma meets paying it forward, until somehow you are touched by this wonderful moment whereby the heavens open and something so special happens, somewhat randomly, and you feel as if fairy dust has been sprinkled and is cascading down around you. As sad as it is, I feel that Grandma’s death was enveloped in Divine Grace. Her quick demise, although hard to accept, allowed her suffering to end. The immediate intervention of The Hospice Team, the amazing nurse Ro who helped us though those final hours, Dolly the cat who never left Grandma’s side the night and morning of her passing. The first snow flurries of 2009 which began to fall just as Grandma died and the continued flurries which melted as soon as they hit the windshield as she made her final trip down Mt. St. Helena and if that wasn’t enough, snow on Sonoma Mountain on Monday morning. For anyone who didn’t know, snow was Grandma’s favorite thing! I know skeptics would say these are all just coincidences. I don’t believe in coincidences. I believe in Divine Grace. I believe in miracles. I believe we are the instruments of grace. It took me half of my life before I recognized this, but I promise if you quiet yourself, listen and pay attention, you will see it too.
The changing season this Fall was exceptional; Indian summer, early rain, exquisite foliage, harvest moons and lots of green grass. Perhaps the beauty seemed more intense given that we were faced with saying good bye to our family matriarch. As we gather around our family table, the places will change, the young become old, the elders take their places among the celestial family looking down with pride on their legacy they've left behind. Our hearts are full with memories and love and the promise of a new family member next summer, Anna's first great-grandchild. And so, the circle of life remains unbroken.
Our family is a circle of love and strength.
With every birth and union the circle grows stronger.
Every joy shared adds more love
Every obstacle faced together makes the circle stronger
In closing, I would like to say what a privilege it has been to have had Anna Heizer as a mother-in-law, a friend, and a grandmother to my children. She taught me, through example, that sometimes less is more; that kids will be kids; that sitting down on a summer day to drink sweet tea and look at the JCPenneys catalog is actually better than a trip to the mall. She showed me how to quiet myself and breathe in the beauty of nature, to feed the critters and most importantly, she showed me the kind of mother-in-law and grandmother I want to be.
Absolutely stunning! I have tears streaming down my cheeks! Connie, you have an incredible heart. I am so blessed to have found you as a friend.
ReplyDeleteThis was such a beautiful entry. I hope you don't mind, I cried. It really makes you stop and think. We must treasure our mother in laws as much as we treasure our moms. Mine is very giving, but maybe because I'm immature, I find her a bit overbearing. I hate that I feel that way. Again, such a beautiful entry. I'm sorry for your loss.
ReplyDelete